The more things change

As I was leaving work today I was chatting with a friend about all sorts of nonsense, and he mentioned that I should write a blog. I laughed, because aside from personal venting on LJ, I haven't touched this blog in over a year. After some thought I figured what the hell...I've got the time. I read through old posts and deleted the ones that had to do solely with my ex. She is still mentioned from time to time in the old posts...and really, we can't erase history no matter how much we try to ignore it.

So, once again, I'm back to blogging. I can't promise anything deep or profound, but it is a chance to get inside my head from time to time. And in honor of the man who albeit foolishly convinced me to head back into blogging...let's discuss peer pressure.

The holidays are upon us and I am often quoted as saying "I hate holidays". This typically generates a response from people that I know telling me that I don't actually hate holidays. Yes, yes I do. However, it's not for the reasons that people readily consider. See, I am terrible with expectations, and I have an amazing tendency to self impose some insane expectations. With the onset of the holidays I find that people expect others to act a certain way. Some expect certain greetings during the holidays, others are offended by greetings, and some altogether just try to avoid the topic.

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas decorations or trees or any of that other nonsense. Frankly I find trees to be a royal pain. Real or fake they are messy and take all sorts of time to decorate and make pretty enough for the people you think might see them. I have very few visitors at my home, and even fewer of those few visitors will be around during the holidays. All the talk of trees and decorating and such....I admit it, I caved. I bought a tree. My old tree is with mom in Alaska, I wasn't worried about needing one when I moved back to CO. The one small bonus of having a tree is Rudolf. See, I can't stand all the chaos at holidays, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. I could start a speech about how Rudolf was one of the original pioneers of surviving bullying and teaching diversity...but I'll save that for the day I am on a pulpit. Yep, I did something because I felt like I was expected to. Talk about peer pressure at its best.

And for the record, I hate holidays and other celebrations because in my twisted brain I think people expect certain reactions from me. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectations of others and how they hope I will react to any variety of things. This curses me both personally and professionally. Think I'm kidding? Just ask about the time I had a crying meltdown when I found out that my dear mother was throwing me a surprise birthday party...I was terrified that my reaction to the "surprise" wouldn't live up to the expectations of the guests. So, if you see me shy away from celebrations, it's not that I don't want to enjoy a good time. It's because I'm convinced that whatever my reaction is to the event that I will disappoint you.

Oh, and after looking back over the old posts...I still work in insurance, and in a call center. And I still hate people who scream at me thinking things will change...and I still want more for myself. We'll see how that goes.