The more things change

As I was leaving work today I was chatting with a friend about all sorts of nonsense, and he mentioned that I should write a blog. I laughed, because aside from personal venting on LJ, I haven't touched this blog in over a year. After some thought I figured what the hell...I've got the time. I read through old posts and deleted the ones that had to do solely with my ex. She is still mentioned from time to time in the old posts...and really, we can't erase history no matter how much we try to ignore it.

So, once again, I'm back to blogging. I can't promise anything deep or profound, but it is a chance to get inside my head from time to time. And in honor of the man who albeit foolishly convinced me to head back into blogging...let's discuss peer pressure.

The holidays are upon us and I am often quoted as saying "I hate holidays". This typically generates a response from people that I know telling me that I don't actually hate holidays. Yes, yes I do. However, it's not for the reasons that people readily consider. See, I am terrible with expectations, and I have an amazing tendency to self impose some insane expectations. With the onset of the holidays I find that people expect others to act a certain way. Some expect certain greetings during the holidays, others are offended by greetings, and some altogether just try to avoid the topic.

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas decorations or trees or any of that other nonsense. Frankly I find trees to be a royal pain. Real or fake they are messy and take all sorts of time to decorate and make pretty enough for the people you think might see them. I have very few visitors at my home, and even fewer of those few visitors will be around during the holidays. All the talk of trees and decorating and such....I admit it, I caved. I bought a tree. My old tree is with mom in Alaska, I wasn't worried about needing one when I moved back to CO. The one small bonus of having a tree is Rudolf. See, I can't stand all the chaos at holidays, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. I could start a speech about how Rudolf was one of the original pioneers of surviving bullying and teaching diversity...but I'll save that for the day I am on a pulpit. Yep, I did something because I felt like I was expected to. Talk about peer pressure at its best.

And for the record, I hate holidays and other celebrations because in my twisted brain I think people expect certain reactions from me. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectations of others and how they hope I will react to any variety of things. This curses me both personally and professionally. Think I'm kidding? Just ask about the time I had a crying meltdown when I found out that my dear mother was throwing me a surprise birthday party...I was terrified that my reaction to the "surprise" wouldn't live up to the expectations of the guests. So, if you see me shy away from celebrations, it's not that I don't want to enjoy a good time. It's because I'm convinced that whatever my reaction is to the event that I will disappoint you.

Oh, and after looking back over the old posts...I still work in insurance, and in a call center. And I still hate people who scream at me thinking things will change...and I still want more for myself. We'll see how that goes.

Ah, Grover...

To this day I ahve never seen an episode of sesame street. I had afternoon kindergarten when I was a kid, so I learned to sleep in at an early age. Despite my children's tv deficiency, for many years, I was dear friends with Grover. I have to tell you, he's not blue, but he is tall...and has very messy handwriting. Back in my high school days I was friends with a guy who's signature was so messy that someone thought his last name was Grover. The name stuck, for many years. I haven't seen or heard from Grover in several years, until today. On slow days at work, I'll check into Myspace just to pass the time. And there he was, one of the funniest guys I have ever met, sending me a message. Low and behold he recently set up a myspace account, and he said I was one of the first people he went looking for. I'm pretty shocked by that, mostly because I don't think I'm all that note worthy. No, this isn't a pitty party, I just have always thought of myself as an average girl. I'ts been fun talking with him, we had some of the same friends in high school, although we went to schools that were nearly an hour apart. The last I had heard, he was planning on becoming a pastor...that didn't happen, and with all of my hang ups with organized religion, I can't say I'm unhappy for him. From the sounds of things, he's a very happy man, married, job, house...all those adults things we didn't really picture having in our high school days.

The timing of people showing up in your life never ceases to amaze me. I often wonder what happened to some people...others...not so much, but I suspect we are all like that. Today was my two year anniversary at work, and I talked with co-workers I haven't heard from in ages...and now friends from days of old are popping up. I don't know if it all has some grand cosmic meaning, but I enjoyed the people I talked to today.

Christine and I have been enjoying a very peaceful week. The things that weigh heavy on my mind are not inside my home...they are in far off places...and I hope that my semi-paranoid suspicions aren't true. Although time has taught me that when I have a gut feeling, I am usually right.