My own Christmas Miracle

I spent a few weeks worrying about Christmas this year. This is the first year that I will be waking up without family or loved ones by my side. I have plans to see dear friends through the day, but waking up alone was for some reason terrifying to me. I have some to terms with it...as my brother always says to me "It is what it is". Tonight...the heavens above smiled upon me. No, I didn't bring a woman home for Christmas Eve. Seriously, if I did would I be posting on a blog right now? Give me a little credit.

This years Christmas Eve was full of small miracles that remind me of all that is beautiful and amazing. It started with a facebook post from one of my favorite former managers. Seems she bought quite the awesome toy for her 4 year old son this year...but alas, a change in life left her without tools this Christmas. Being the helpful sort that I am, I was happy to lend a hand and some tools. And when have I ever passed up a chance to build stuff? It was a small hour of my day, filled with fun conversation and knowing that I was building a toy that would make a boy smile for many months.

I came to enjoy a little nap before church. Despite my varied religious opinions and beliefs, I loved attending Christmas Eve services. Lucky for me the Unitarian Universalist church always has a good one. I began attending the church a few months ago. There is something that just feels good about spending a Sunday morning in the company of like minded people and taking a moment to appreciate what life has to offer. I was excited to attend Christmas Eve service with this new group of people that have so graciously welcomed me to their spiritual home. I arrived ten minutes before the service was to start and was so happy as I entered the door. I love when a service has a candlelit component to it. There is something so overwhelmingly peaceful when a church is lit by candles. I grabbed a seat near the back, amongst a row of empty seats and patiently waited for the service to start. At first I was worried about how empty the church seamed, and them I remember I was attending a UU service. UU's aren't know for their punctuality. As I sat reading over the order of service, an older woman came walking up with that "Where should I sit look". I motioned for her to join the empty aisle I was sitting it and she graciously accepted. I should send her a thank you card. With her sat her daughter, who held in her beauty that would make Matisse cry with joy.

I laugh about it because as I got ready for church tonight, I made sure to look nice and smell good. You never now when you might meet a beautiful woman, you had best be prepared. As we sat through the service she laughed at my terrible jokes which I take as a good sign. Her mother made it a point to tell me that her daughter teaches the Thursday Yoga classes at the church. I think I need to go out and buy a Yoga mat...I swear she might have been a Christmas Angel.

I have no idea if she is a fan of the fairer sex...and frankly I don't care. I will be happy for days thinking about this woman who has a smile that you feel blessed to bring out and eyes that you could stare into for days.

I have much to be thankful this year. Today, I feel like I'm on top of the world. I sat next to one of the most stunning women I have ever seen, and she wished me a Merry Christmas with that smile of hers.

Heart of an Athlete

I love sports. Go ahead and say it, "You're a lesbian, of course you love sports!" It's not quite as simple as that. I have loved sports for as long as I can remember. In my youth, I had grand plans of being a world champion kick ball player. Between my ghost runners and myself, we were a pretty aggressive team. When I got in Middle School, as soon as I was able I joined the cross country team. It was the first fall sport I could participate in that interested me. Volleyball held no appeal...and today the only appeal of that sport to me is women's beach volleyball. I'll leave you to figure that out on your own. Cross Country was not what I had envisioned. Somehow I thought that since I was young and passionate...I would be great. Sadly, I was a bit chubby, and not even slightly in shape. Dreams of being the best cross country runner quickly died. Later that year I have basketball a try. To date, it's still one of my favorite sports to watch. I didn't last long, as I wasn't as tall or fast as any of the other girls on the team. I did stick around to be a fabulous team manager though. I finished the rest of my middle school days on stage. Who knew that theatre would be a bigger and brighter passion for me.

High school came along, and I actually made the varsity girls basketball team my junior year. However, other passions took priority over basketball, so once again sports took a back burner to other pursuits. I spent all of my college days on a stage in one way or another, but I still loved sports.

After college I got talked into playing rugby. Rugby to this day is a sport that I love blindly and with complete passion. I think I was ok at rugby, but I can't be sure. In our minds we all think we are world class players, at least for a little while. Injury came along and kept me from sports ever since. I have had 4 surgeries in the span of 3 years. Every time I think about getting back into some sort of athletic pursuit...injury shows up.

Upon returning to Colorado, a friend foolishly thought that asking me to play softball was a good idea. Lesbians are all great at softball, right? Allow me to introduce my ability to defy all convention. I am terrible at softball, running around the bases is a daunting and exhausting task for me. Also, there seems to be an orange bag at first base now that holds some importance....who knew?

As I get older, I accept the fact that maybe participation in sports isn't for me. It doesn't keep me from having a few dreams that I'd like to see come to true...dreams that I will keep to myself for now. Just know that I am great for being to person to attend live sports with. I will cheer and root for whichever team you tell me to. After the sporting event I will talk about becoming the best and brightest fan...and it will last a few fleeting minutes until something else comes along. I have yet to figure out of this means that I don't have the heart to be an athlete or if it means that I have severe ADD.

EDIT: Within hours of writing this post, my knee reminded me of it's power, or lack there of...again. Once again I can't straighten my leg or put any weight on it.

The more things change

As I was leaving work today I was chatting with a friend about all sorts of nonsense, and he mentioned that I should write a blog. I laughed, because aside from personal venting on LJ, I haven't touched this blog in over a year. After some thought I figured what the hell...I've got the time. I read through old posts and deleted the ones that had to do solely with my ex. She is still mentioned from time to time in the old posts...and really, we can't erase history no matter how much we try to ignore it.

So, once again, I'm back to blogging. I can't promise anything deep or profound, but it is a chance to get inside my head from time to time. And in honor of the man who albeit foolishly convinced me to head back into blogging...let's discuss peer pressure.

The holidays are upon us and I am often quoted as saying "I hate holidays". This typically generates a response from people that I know telling me that I don't actually hate holidays. Yes, yes I do. However, it's not for the reasons that people readily consider. See, I am terrible with expectations, and I have an amazing tendency to self impose some insane expectations. With the onset of the holidays I find that people expect others to act a certain way. Some expect certain greetings during the holidays, others are offended by greetings, and some altogether just try to avoid the topic.

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas decorations or trees or any of that other nonsense. Frankly I find trees to be a royal pain. Real or fake they are messy and take all sorts of time to decorate and make pretty enough for the people you think might see them. I have very few visitors at my home, and even fewer of those few visitors will be around during the holidays. All the talk of trees and decorating and such....I admit it, I caved. I bought a tree. My old tree is with mom in Alaska, I wasn't worried about needing one when I moved back to CO. The one small bonus of having a tree is Rudolf. See, I can't stand all the chaos at holidays, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer. I could start a speech about how Rudolf was one of the original pioneers of surviving bullying and teaching diversity...but I'll save that for the day I am on a pulpit. Yep, I did something because I felt like I was expected to. Talk about peer pressure at its best.

And for the record, I hate holidays and other celebrations because in my twisted brain I think people expect certain reactions from me. I'm afraid that I won't live up to the expectations of others and how they hope I will react to any variety of things. This curses me both personally and professionally. Think I'm kidding? Just ask about the time I had a crying meltdown when I found out that my dear mother was throwing me a surprise birthday party...I was terrified that my reaction to the "surprise" wouldn't live up to the expectations of the guests. So, if you see me shy away from celebrations, it's not that I don't want to enjoy a good time. It's because I'm convinced that whatever my reaction is to the event that I will disappoint you.

Oh, and after looking back over the old posts...I still work in insurance, and in a call center. And I still hate people who scream at me thinking things will change...and I still want more for myself. We'll see how that goes.